Long day, long week, long month, long three months. Not much point in keeping count.
Internal confliction is a rather terrible thing to feel, we are taught to stick to our beliefs and never feel anything else.
You want to experiment with the same-sex, oh no don’t do that, that’s wrong.
You really should.
You want to dye your blonde hair red- oh don’t do that they’ll all look.
You should really do that.
There’s a constant undercurrent of duality in society, it’s like being an agnostic atheist which revolves around the fear that if god is real and you’re an atheist then you want to go to heaven and not hell. Hell I wouldn’t want to be liked by a god that brings cancer to children and rapists into the world. That’s a despicable fucking god, a monstrous deity that deserves nothing but condemnation- American Gods makes a good point of that.
This duality brings us into the conflict with ourselves. Like someone taking a jackhammer to our chest until we crumble into the murky foundations of the earths veeneer.
One part of me claims; love is what I’ve always wanted. The other part makes me wonder where does the definable come in with apparent reciprocated love. Is it ‘I love you’ at least once a day. Is that the actual constitution of true love.
The truth is it’s subjective, maybe its just an illusion- which I truly hope not.
As the world unfurls around us, love becomes less and less clear; it isn’t the grand shakespearean Romeo and Juliet, and it isn’t the bombastic Wolf of Wall Street love. It has no beginning, middle and end.
It is simply just love.
That’s pleasantly quoteable, but the truth is everyone is as clueless as the next. I figure love is the ability to picture a foreseeable future with someone, then i feel conflicted and wonder if there’s a pinch of melodrama that’s is involved in that.
Then the thought process I duly go through brings me to the Pop culture romanticisation and definition of love. Pop culture defines love for most. There’s a noticeably lakcing realistic portrayal of it especially for teenagers; who gravely misunderstood 13 reasons why, which almost smothers the effect purely because it is popular; the idiots claim it is a program wrongly depicting suicide- which it is not. The other view is that it’s just for boys and girls to fawn over the cast. It was always gonna be damning if that show ever became popular.
Well regardless of this post, conflict will still ruminate around me and the questions won’t ever truly be answered because there aren’t really any true answers out there. It’s all beautifully subjective and that’s happily tragic.
Ben Brizell 