It was summer, an Omaha summer, I hated the sun. My black pyjama t-shirt was soaked with sweat and I felt dizzy, the sun’s rays broke through my blinds, whilst I talked  to her; her being Elena Kitt, I ‘d been talking to her for half of the school year now. I was in my penultimate year of high school and I was eagerly anticipating leaving, skipping college and getting away from this godforsaken city. I wanted to pack up my typewriter, my MP3 player, my headphones, as many good books as I could fit in my rucksack and get out of here. 

It was tearing me apart this city, it was dragging me down into a life I couldn’t live, I couldn’t continue to be in fucking fucked up, I had to get so damn far away from this city.

I was talking to Elena on text, we both had feelings for each other, hell I loved her. We talked on Skype and text for hours each day  but I had told her I couldn’t date her because of her bestfriend Louise Carr- the truth was I had told Lousoe very personal things and for some strange reason the guilt it brought me that she knew  was almost unbearable and knowing that she would tell someone, was even more of a fucking pain. This happened a little before I had begun talking to Elena which at the time seemed like a good idea but I’d quickly realised it wasn’t and I knew that it would change everything if Elena found out, since me and Louise hadn’t parted on best terms I knew she’d fucking tell her, it drove me insane. I wanted to fucking date her but I fucking couldn’t. The world had once again fucked me over, like it always did, cheating me out of happiness. Me and Elena had spent most of this month arguing over petty things and now here I was July coming to an end the term coming to an end and both of us disenchanted, our feelings still there. She had just got back from a family trip to the Caribbean and we hadn’t talked much.

I checked the messages on my phone and saw I had one from her it read ‘If you like me why won’t you date me? What happened between you and Louise?’ The sun was getting to me and I cracked I had admitted it, too an extent. I replied saying ‘Look your great I want to date you but me and Louise we had a friendship and things haven’t ended on great terms and I knew that she’d tell you them if we started dating , she’s bitter ad I like you so much I don’t want that to affect what we have.’ I clicked send unsure of the reply. Everything began to fall apart I stayed in my bed regardless of how uncomfortable I was and waited for a reply. She had seen the message a couple of minutes after I sent it but she hadn’t replied. I stuck my headphones in and began listening to The Smiths There is a light that never goes out on repeat. Then finally after punching my pillow a couple of times, narrowly avoiding some kind of breakdown the message came and it read ‘Oh okay.’ That was it. I paused my music took my headphones out and I began to cry. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I didn’t know why. I eventually stuck my headphones in and continued to play the music. Brutally wounded and realising my mistake, all too fucking late.

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